From: dws@ssec.wisc.edu (DaviD W. Sanderson)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Funny Man Pages
Message-ID: <1993Jan10.190016.8259@cs.wisc.edu>
Date: 10 Jan 93 19:00:16 GMT
Organization: UW-Madison Space Science and Engineering Center
Lines: 2420

In article <1993Jan10.143051.12284@cs.tu-berlin.de> rossi@opal.cs.tu-berlin.de (Oliver Rosenkranz) writes:
>Are there other man pages out there ???

This is my collection of tongue-in-cheek man pages I have seen posted
to the Net.  I did not write them, but in some cases I have done a
considerable amount of work to back-engineer them to source form and/or
beautify them.  They are all in source form, so people can use nroff or
troff as they wish.

I welcome any new pages people would like to contribute.  (I do have
the penix man pages, but I'm still working on converting them to nroff
source.)

Enjoy!

DaviD W. Sanderson (dws@ssec.wisc.edu)

	"The Noah Webster of smileys is David Sanderson"
		- The Wall Street Journal, 15 Sep 1992

#!/bin/sh
# This is a shell archive (produced by shar 3.49)
# To extract the files from this archive, save it to a file, remove
# everything above the "!/bin/sh" line above, and type "sh file_name".
#
# made 01/10/1993 18:51 UTC by dws@ssec
# Source directory /home/dws/pub/src/dws/funman
#
# existing files will NOT be overwritten unless -c is specified
#
# This shar contains:
# length  mode       name
# ------ ---------- ------------------------------------------
#    407 -rw------- README
#   2508 -r-------- babya.1
#   3032 -r-------- babyb.1
#    125 -r-------- celibacy.1
#   6137 -r-------- condom.1
#   4195 -r-------- date.1
#   2721 -r-------- echo.1
#   3637 -r-------- flame.1
#   1971 -r-------- flog.1
#   1882 -r-------- gong.1
#   3372 -r-------- grope.1
#   1295 -r-------- rescrog.1
#   6074 -r-------- rm.1
#   2024 -r-------- sex.1
#   1740 -r-------- strfry.3
#   1748 -r-------- tm.1
#   2982 -r-------- xkill.1
#   1063 -rw------- Makefile
#
# ============= README ==============
if test -f 'README' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then
	echo 'x - skipping README (File already exists)'
else
echo 'x - extracting README (Text)'
sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'README' &&
This is my collection of tongue-in-cheek man pages I have seen posted
to the Net.  I did not write them, but in some cases I have done a
considerable amount of work to back-engineer them to source form and/or
beautify them.  They are all in source form, so people can use nroff or
troff as they wish.  I welcome any new pages people would like to
contribute.
X
Enjoy!
X
DaviD W. Sanderson (dws@ssec.wisc.edu)
SHAR_EOF
chmod 0600 README ||
echo 'restore of README failed'
Wc_c="`wc -c < 'README'`"
test 407 -eq "$Wc_c" ||
	echo 'README: original size 407, current size' "$Wc_c"
fi
# ============= babya.1 ==============
if test -f 'babya.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then
	echo 'x - skipping babya.1 (File already exists)'
else
echo 'x - extracting babya.1 (Text)'
sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'babya.1' &&
.\"-------
.\" b a b y . 1
.\"
.\" Created from a post-nroff version posted in rec.humor.funny:
.\"
.\" Message-id: <S2a9.10d1@looking.on.ca>
.\" Date: Sat, 29 Jun 91 6:30:4 EDT
.\" From: beck@cs.ualberta.ca (Bob Beck)
.\" Subject: BABY man page, I've ben told I should submit this, was posted locally.
.\"
.\" DaviD W. Sanderson
.\"-------
.TH BABY 1
.SH NAME
baby \(em create new process from two parent processes
.SH SYNOPSIS
.B baby
.I sex
.RI [ name... ]
.SH "SYSTEM V SYNOPSIS"
.B /usr/5bin/baby
.RB [ \-sex \0\fIsex\fR]
.RB [ \-name \0\fIname...\fR]
.SH AVAILABILITY
The System V version of this command is available
with the System V software installation option.
Refer to Installing SunOS 4.1 for information
on how to install and invoke
.IR baby .
.SH DESCRIPTION
.I baby
is initiated when one parent process polls another server process
through a socket connection (BSD)
or through pipes in the System V implementation.
.I baby
runs at low priority for approximately 40 weeks
and then terminates with a heavy system load.
Most systems require constant monitoring when
.I baby
reaches its final stages of execution.
.PP
Older implementations of
.I baby
required that the initiating process not
be present at the time of completion.
In these
versions the initiating process
is
awakened and notified of the results upon completion.
Modern versions allow both parent processes to be active
during the final stages of
.IR baby .
.PP
.RS
example% baby \-sex m \-name fred
.RE
.SH OPTIONS
.TP
.B \-sex
option indicating type of process created.
.TP
.B \-name
process identification to be attached to the new process.
.SH RESULT
Successful execution of
.IR baby (1)
results in new process being created and named.
Parent processes then typically
broadcast messages to all other processes informing them of their
new status in the system.
.SH BUGS
The
.I sleep
command may not work on either parent processes for some time afterward,
as new
.I baby
processes constantly send interrupts
which must be handled by one or more parent.
.PP
.I baby
processes upon being created may frequently dump
in /tmp requiring /tmp to be cleaned out frequently by one
of the parent processes.
.PP
The original AT&T version was provided without instructions
regarding the created process; this remains in current implementations.
.SH "SEE ALSO"
.IR cigars (6),
.IR dump (5),
.IR cry (3)
.SH "OTHER IMPLEMENTATIONS"
.TP
.IR gnoops (1)
FSF version of
.I baby
where none of the authors will accept responsibility for anything.
SHAR_EOF
chmod 0400 babya.1 ||
echo 'restore of babya.1 failed'
Wc_c="`wc -c < 'babya.1'`"
test 2508 -eq "$Wc_c" ||
	echo 'babya.1: original size 2508, current size' "$Wc_c"
fi
# ============= babyb.1 ==============
if test -f 'babyb.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then
	echo 'x - skipping babyb.1 (File already exists)'
else
echo 'x - extracting babyb.1 (Text)'
sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'babyb.1' &&
.\"-------
.\" b a b y b . 1
.\"
.\" Created from a post-nroff version posted in rec.humor:
.\"
.\" From: tencati@nssdca.gsfc.nasa.gov
.\" Newsgroups: rec.humor
.\" Subject: UNIX man page for new baby
.\" Message-ID: <10JUL199210414089@nssdca.gsfc.nasa.gov>
.\" Date: 10 Jul 92 15:41:00 GMT
.\" Article-I.D.: nssdca.10JUL199210414089
.\" Organization: NASA - Goddard Space Flight Center
.\"
.\" One of my co-workers just had a new baby added to their family. He
.\" emailed the following announcement:
.\" (You have to understand the UNIX doc set to fully appreciate this)
.\"
.\" DaviD W. Sanderson
.\"-------
.TH BABY 1
.SH NAME
baby \(em create new process from two parents
.SH SYNOPSIS
.B baby
.B \-sex
.RI [ m | f ]
.RB [ \-name
.IR name ]
.SH DESCRIPTION
.I baby
is initiated when one parent process polls another server process
through a socket connection in the BSD version
or through pipes in the System V implementation.
.I baby
runs at low priority for approximately forty weeks
and then terminates with a heavy system load.
Most systems require constant monitoring when
.I baby
reaches its final stages of execution.
.PP
Older implementations of
.I baby
did not require both initiating processes to
be present at the time of completion.
In those
versions the initiating process
which was not present was
awakened and notified of the results upon completion.
It has since been determined that the presence of both parent
processes result in a generally lower system load at completion,
and thus current versions of
.I baby
expect both parent processes to be active during the final stages.
.PP
Successful completion of
.I baby
results in the creation and
naming of a new process.
Parent processes then broadcast
messages to all other processes, local and remote, informing
them of their new status.
.SH OPTIONS
.TP
.B \-sex
define the gender of the created process
.TP
.B \-name
assign the name name to the new process
.SH EXAMPLES
.RS
baby \-sex f \-name Jacqueline
.RE
.PP
completed successfully on July 9, 1992 at 9:11pm.
Jacqueline's vital statistics: 8 pounds 3 oz, 20 inches, long dark hair.
The parent process, Kim Dunbar, is reportedly doing fine.
.SH "SEE ALSO"
.IR cigar (6),
.IR dump (5),
.IR cry (3).
.SH BUGS
Despite its complexity,
.I baby
only knows one signal, SIGCHLD,
(or SIGCLD in the System V implementation),
which it uses to contact the parent processes.
One or both parent processes must then inspect the baby process
to determine the cause of the signal.
.PP
The
.IR sleep (1)
command may not work as expected on either parent
process for some time afterward, as each new instance of
.I baby
sends intermittent signals to the parent processes
which must be handled by the parents immediately.
.PP
A
.I baby
process will frequently dump core, requiring either
or both parent processes to clean up after it.
.PP
Despite the reams of available documentation on invoking and
maintaining
.IR baby ,
most parent processes are overwhelmed.
.SH AUTHORS
XFrom a man page by Joe Beck, <beck@cs.ualberta.ca>.
SHAR_EOF
chmod 0400 babyb.1 ||
echo 'restore of babyb.1 failed'
Wc_c="`wc -c < 'babyb.1'`"
test 3032 -eq "$Wc_c" ||
	echo 'babyb.1: original size 3032, current size' "$Wc_c"
fi
# ============= celibacy.1 ==============
if test -f 'celibacy.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then
	echo 'x - skipping celibacy.1 (File already exists)'
else
echo 'x - extracting celibacy.1 (Text)'
sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'celibacy.1' &&
.TH CELIBACY 1
.SH NAME
celibacy \(em don't have sex
.SH SYNOPSIS
.B celibacy
.SH DESCRIPTION
Does nothing worth mentioning.
SHAR_EOF
chmod 0400 celibacy.1 ||
echo 'restore of celibacy.1 failed'
Wc_c="`wc -c < 'celibacy.1'`"
test 125 -eq "$Wc_c" ||
	echo 'celibacy.1: original size 125, current size' "$Wc_c"
fi
# ============= condom.1 ==============
if test -f 'condom.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then
	echo 'x - skipping condom.1 (File already exists)'
else
echo 'x - extracting condom.1 (Text)'
sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'condom.1' &&
.\" -------
.\" Message-ID: <S48e.386a@looking.on.ca>
.\" Date: Mon, 26 Oct 92 4:30:03 EST
.\" Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
.\" Subject: condom(1) man page (original)...
.\" From: maupin@cs.washington.edu (Ken Maupin)
.\" Keywords: chuckle, original, computers, sexual
.\" Approved: funny@clarinet.com
.\"
.\" The following was inspired by the sex.1 and celibacy.6 EUNUCH
.\" man pages I found hiding in, of all places, the GNU Emacs
.\" distribution on my machine (I guess we know what Richard Stallman
.\" thinks about when he isn't writing GNU software, eh?).
.\" -------
.\" Reverse-engineered to [nt]roff -man source by DaviD W. Sanderson
.\" -------
.TH CONDOM 1 "" "EUNUCH Programmer's Manual"
.SH NAME
condom \- protection against viruses and prevention of child processes
.SH SYNOPSIS
.B condom
.RI [ options ]
.RI [ processid ]
.SH DESCRIPTION
.I condom
provides protection against System Transmitted
Viruses (STVs) that may invade your system.
Although the spread of such viruses across a network
can only be abated by aware and cautious users,
.I condom
is the only highly effective means of preventing
viruses from entering your system (see
.IR celibacy (1)).
Any data passed to
.I condom
by the protected process will be blocked, as specified by
the value of the
.B \-s
option (see
.B OPTIONS
below).
.I condom
is known to
defend against the following viruses and other malicious
afflictions:
.RS
.IP \(bu
AIDS
.PD 0
.IP \(bu
Herpes Simplex (genital varieties)
.IP \(bu
Syphilis
.IP \(bu
Crabs
.IP \(bu
Genital warts
.IP \(bu
Gonhorrea
.IP \(bu
Chlamydia
.IP \(bu
Michelangelo
.IP \(bu
Jerusalem
.PD
.RE
.PP
When used alone or in conjunction with
.IR pill (1),
.IR sponge (1),
.IR foam (1),
and/or
.IR setiud (3),
.I condom
also prevents the conception of a child process.
If invoked from within a synchronous process,
.I condom
has, by default, an 80% chance of preventing the external processes
from becoming parent processes (see the
.B \-s
option below).
When other process contraceptives are used,
the chance of preventing a child process from being forked
becomes much greater.
See
.IR pill (1),
.IR sponge (1),
.IR foam (1),
and
.IR setiud (3)
for more information.
.PP
If no options are given, the current user's login process (as
determined by the environment variable USER) is protected with a
Trojan rough-cut latex condom without a reservoir tip.
The optional
.RI `` processid ''
argument is an integer specifying the process to protect.
.PP
NOTE:
.I condom
may only be used with a hard disk.
.I condom
will terminate abnormally with exit code \-1 if used with a floppy
disk (see
.B DIAGNOSTICS
below).
.ne 5
.SH OPTIONS
The following options may be given to
.IR condom :
.TP
.BI \-b " brand"
.IR brand s
are as follows:
.RS 1i
.TP
trojan (default)
.PD 0
.TP
ramses
.TP
sheik
.TP
goldcoin
.TP
fourex
.PD
.RE
.TP
.BI \-m " material"
The valid
.IR material s
are:
.RS 1i
.TP
.PD 0
latex (default)
.TP
saranwrap
.TP
membrane
.B WARNING!
The membrane option is
.I not
endorsed by the System Administrator General as an
effective barrier against certain viruses.
It is supported only for the sake of tradition.
.PD
.RE
.TP
.BI \-f " flavor"
The following
.IR flavor s
are currently supported:
.RS 1i
.TP
.PD 0
plain (default)
.TP
apple
.TP
banana
.TP
cherry
.TP
cinnamon
.TP
licorice
.TP
orange
.TP
peppermint
.TP
raspberry
.TP
spearmint
.TP
strawberry
.PD
.RE
.TP
.B \-r
Toggle reservoir tip (default is no reservoir tip)
.TP
.BI \-s " strength"
.I strength
is an integer between 20 and 100 specifying the resilience of
.I condom
against data passed to
.I condom
by the protected process.
Using a larger
value of
.I strength
increases
.IR condom 's
protective abilities,
but also reduces interprocess communication.
A smaller value of
.I strength
increases interprocess communication,
but also increases the likelihood of a security breach.
An extremely vigorous process or
one passing an enormous amount of data to
.I condom
will increase the chance of
.IR condom 's
failure.
The default
.I strength
is 80%.
.ne 8
.TP
.BI \-t " texture"
Valid
.IR texture s
are:
.RS 1i
.TP
.PD 0
rough (default)
.TP
ribbed
.TP
bumps
.TP
lubricated
(provides smoother interaction between processes)
.PD
.RE
.PP
WARNING: The use of an external application to
.I condom
in order to reduce friction between processes has been proven in
benchmark tests to decrease
.IR condom 's
strength factor!
If execution speed is important to your process, use the
.RB `` \-t
.BR lubricated ''
option.
.SH DIAGNOSTICS
.I condom
terminates with one of the following exit codes:
.TP
\-1
An attempt was made to use
.I condom
on a floppy disk.
.TP
0
.I condom
exited successfully (no data was passed to the synchronous process).
.TP
1
.I condom
failed and data was allowed through.
The danger of transmission of an STV or the forking of a child process
is inversely proportional to the number of other protections employed
and is directly proportional to the ages of the processes involved.
.SH BUGS
.I condom
is
.B NOT
100% effective at preventing a child process
from being forked or at deterring the invasion of a virus (although
the System Administrator General has deemed that
.I condom
is the most
effective means of preventing the spread of system transmitted
viruses).
See
.IR celibacy (1)
for information on a 100% effective program
for preventing these problems.
.PP
Remember, the use of
.IR sex (1)
and other related routines
should only occur between mature, consenting processes.
If you must use
.IR sex (1),
please employ
.I condom
to protect your process and your synchronous process.
If we are all responsible, we can stop the spread of STVs.
.SH "AUTHORS and HISTORY"
The original version of
.I condom
was released in Roman times and was only marginally effective.
With the advent of modern technology,
.I condom
now supports many more options and is much more effective.
.PP
The current release of
.I condom
was written by Ken Maupin at the University of Washington
(maupin@cs.washington.edu) and was last updated on 10/7/92.
.SH "SEE ALSO"
.IR celibacy (1),
.IR sex (1),
.IR pill (1),
.IR sponge (1),
.IR foam (1),
and
.IR setiud (3)
SHAR_EOF
chmod 0400 condom.1 ||
echo 'restore of condom.1 failed'
Wc_c="`wc -c < 'condom.1'`"
test 6137 -eq "$Wc_c" ||
	echo 'condom.1: original size 6137, current size' "$Wc_c"
fi
# ============= date.1 ==============
if test -f 'date.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then
	echo 'x - skipping date.1 (File already exists)'
else
echo 'x - extracting date.1 (Text)'
sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'date.1' &&
.\"-------
.\" I made some formatting improvements. -dws
.\"-------
.\" From: overby@sendit.nodak.edu (Glen Overby)
.\" Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
.\" Subject: date(6) get or set a date
.\" Keywords: original, computer, maybe
.\" Message-ID: <S3b9.516d@looking.on.ca>
.\" Date: 27 Mar 92 09:30:05 GMT
.\" Lines: 106
.\" Approved: funny@clarinet.com
.\" 
.\" (I wrote this, but the idea came from a friend)
.\" 
.TH DATE 6 "January 1, 1992"
.UC 4
.SH NAME
date \- get and print a date
.SH SYNOPSIS
.B date
.RB [ \-s ]
.RB [ \-local ]
.RB [ \-k ]
.RB [ \-blind ]
.IR option = value ...
.SH DESCRIPTION
If no arguments are given, a date will be selected at random.
Providing an argument will restrict the search pool of dates.
Hopefully these arguments will not carry forward into the actual date.
Only the superuser can select dates by name.
.PP
The
.B \-s
option registers you in the date database and (if not
.BR \-local )
posts your vitals to alt.personals (and, optionally, alt.sex.wanted).
.PP
Using the
.B \-k
option selects a date, but does not make any further arrangments.
.PP
Ranges are specified with parentheses and brackets: (18,25) is 18 to 25
exclusive while [18,25] is 18 to 25 inclusive.
An array of selections is given with braces
such as ``{blonde, brunette, redhead}''.
Multiple responses are separated with commas,
as in ``sex=female,yes,please''.
.TP
.B \-blind
To arrange a blind date.
.PP
.BR view [=\c
.IR must ]
.PD 0
.IP
.PD
View prospective date's picture.
To locate a picture,
.I date
searches several picture databases, including FaceSaver (uunet.uu.net)
alt.sec.pictures, alt.binaries.pictures.erotica,
and several FTP gif archives.
You must have access to the Internet for FTP to work.
.IP
If view=must is set, and
.I date
is unable to find a picture, a request will be automaticly posted to
alt.binaries.pictures.d asking for one.
.IP
Options to
.IR xv (1)
may follow "view" or be put in the environment parameter XV.
.PP
The following options restrict the search pool
to those who have supplied the necessary information.
.TP
.BI dim= range,range,range
.TP
.BI height= range
Synonyms are also supported: midget, twerp, short, beanstalk,
giant, basketball-player
.TP
.BI weight= range
Synonyms: toothpic, feather, wide-load, blimp
.TP
.BI age= range
Synonyms: juvenile, underage, thirty-nine, over-the-hill, {mom, dad},
{grandma, grandpa}
.PP
.BR sex= "{male, female}"\c
[,{yes, no, maybe}]\c
.RI "[," opt = sex "(6) options]"
.PD 0
.IP
.PD
If sex=yes and you are registering,
your vitals are posted to alt.sex.wanted
in addition to alt.personals.
.TP
.BR race= "{white, black, native-american, ...}"
Various slang terms are also supported.
.TP
.BR marriage= "{flirting, noway, maybe, once, twice, several}"
Seriousness and experience.
.PP
.BR kids= "{never, rightaway, oops, have, want}"\c
[,{one, two, three, four, bunch}]
.PD 0
.IP
.PD
Domestic leanings.
.TP
.BR cooking= "{never, loveit, when_hungry}"
.TP
.B color
Synonym for race.
.TP
.BR religion= "{Atheist, Moslem, Lutheran, Catholic, ...}"
.TP
.BR temper= "{mellow, quiet, hot-head}"
.PP
.BR interests=\c
.RI { "lists of possible interests" }
.PP
.BR name=\c
.IR lastname , firstname
.PD 0
.IP
.PD
Specify name of your date.
Perfect for hitting on.
Names can only be specified by super-user.
.SH FILES
.IP "$HOME/.daterc"
Optional place to store options, for frequent daters.
.IP "$HOME/.datehist"
History of dates, to avoid duplication.
.IP "$HOME/.persona"
Options describing yourself, if you haven't registered in the database.
Note that the first time you use
.I date
and supply this information,
you are registered in the blind-date database.
.SH SEE ALSO
.IR man (1),
.IR woman (1),
.IR sex (6)
.PP
.IR "RFC1036: Standard for exchange of USENET messages" ,
M. Horton and R. Adams.
.PP
.IR "A Primer on how to work with the USENET community" ,
Chuq Von Rospach and Gene ``net.god'' Spafford.
.SH DIAGNOSTICS
Exit status is 0 on success, 1 on complete failure to get a date.
.PP
``You are not superuser: date not set''
if you try to use the name parameter
but are not the super-user.
.PP
``Vitals posted to alt.personals [,alt.sex.wanted]''
when you register globally.
.SH AUTHOR
Won't admit to it!
SHAR_EOF
chmod 0400 date.1 ||
echo 'restore of date.1 failed'
Wc_c="`wc -c < 'date.1'`"
test 4195 -eq "$Wc_c" ||
	echo 'date.1: original size 4195, current size' "$Wc_c"
fi
# ============= echo.1 ==============
if test -f 'echo.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then
	echo 'x - skipping echo.1 (File already exists)'
else
echo 'x - extracting echo.1 (Text)'
sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'echo.1' &&
.\" -------
.\" Reverse-engineered to [nt]roff source by DaviD W. Sanderson
.\" -------
.TH GNUecho 1
.SH NAME
echo \- echo arguments
.SH SYNOPSIS
.B echo
.RI [ options ]...
.SH DESCRIPTION
.I Echo
writes its arguments separated by blanks and terminated
by a newline on the standard output.
Options to filter and redirect the output are as follows:
.TP
.B \-2
generate rhyming couplets from keywords
.TP
.B \-3
generate Haiku verse from keywords
.TP
.B \-5
generate limerick from keywords
.TP
.B \-a
convert ASCII to ASCII
.TP
.B \-A
disambiguate sentence structure
.TP
.B \-b
generate bureaucratese equivalent (see
.BR \-x )
.TP
.B \-B
issue equivalent C code with bugs fixed
.TP
.B \-c
simplify/calculate arithmetic expression(s)
.TP
.B \-C
remove copyright notice(s)
.TP
.B \-d
define new echo switch map
.TP
.B \-D
delete all ownership information from system files
.TP
.B \-e
evaluate lisp expression(s)
.TP
.B \-E
convert ASCII to Navajo
.TP
.B \-f
read input from file
.TP
.B \-F
transliterate to french
.TP
.B \-g
generate pseudo-revolutionary marxist catch-phrases
.TP
.B \-G
prepend GNU manifesto
.TP
.B \-h
halt system (reboot suppressed on Suns, Apollos, and VAXen,
not supported on NOS-2)
.TP
.B \-i
emulate IBM OS/VU (recursive universes not supported)
.TP
.B \-I
emulate IBM VTOS 3.7.6
(chronosynclastic infundibulae supported
with restrictions documented in IBM VTOS Reference Manual rev 3.2.6)
.TP
.B \-J
generate junk mail
.TP
.B \-j
justify text (see
.B \-b
option)
.TP
.B \-k
output "echo" software tools
.TP
.B \-K
delete privileged accounts
.TP
.B \-l
generate legalese equivalent
.TP
.B \-L
load echo modules
.TP
.B \-M
generate mail
.TP
.B \-N
send output to all reachable networks (usable with
.BR \-J ,
.BR \-K ,
.B \-h
options)
.TP
.B \-n
do not add newline to the output
.TP
.B \-o
generate obscene text
.TP
.B \-O
clean up dirty language
.TP
.B \-p
decrypt and print /etc/passwd
.TP
.B \-P
port echo to all reachable networks
.TP
.B \-P1
oolcay itay
.TP
.B \-q
query standard input for arguments
.TP
.B \-r
read alternate ".echo" file on start up
.TP
.B \-R
change root password to "RMS"
.TP
.B \-s
suspend operating system during output (Sun and VAX BSD 4.2 only)
.TP
.B \-S
translate to swahili
.TP
.B \-T
emulate TCP/IP handler
.TP
.B \-t
issue troff output
.TP
.B \-u
issue unix philosophy essay
.TP
.B \-v
generate reverberating echo
.TP
.B \-V
print debugging information
.TP
.B \-x
decrypt DES format messages
(NSA secret algorithm CX 3.8, not distributed outside continental US)
.PP
.I Echo
is useful for producing diagnostics in shell programs
and for writing constant data on pipes.
To send diagnostics to the standard error file, do `echo ... 1>&2'.
.SH AUTHOR
Richard M. Stallman
SHAR_EOF
chmod 0400 echo.1 ||
echo 'restore of echo.1 failed'
Wc_c="`wc -c < 'echo.1'`"
test 2721 -eq "$Wc_c" ||
	echo 'echo.1: original size 2721, current size' "$Wc_c"
fi
# ============= flame.1 ==============
if test -f 'flame.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then
	echo 'x - skipping flame.1 (File already exists)'
else
echo 'x - extracting flame.1 (Text)'
sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'flame.1' &&
.\"-------
.\" f l a m e . 1
.\"
.\" Created from a post-nroff version posted in rec.humor:
.\"
.\" >From: felton@eng3.UUCP (Ed Felton)
.\" Subject: New Unix Utility
.\" Message-ID: <571@eng3.UUCP>
.\" Date: 17 Oct 90 15:43:53 GMT
.\" Reply-To: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton)
.\"
.\" We found the following man page on our system...
.\" What do you folks think??
.\" --
.\" Ed Felton uunet!sci34hub!eng3!felton
.\"
.\" DaviD W. Sanderson
.\"-------
.TH FLAME 1
.SH NAME
flame \(em reply to Usenet News posting automatically
.SH SYNOPSIS
.B flame
.RI [ options ]
.RI [ filename ]
.SH DESCRIPTION
Flame is a AI tool providing an automated method
for replying to articles posted to Usenet News.
Special care is paid to allow the user to specify
the type of reply he desires.
The following options are supported by flame:
.TP
.B \-\-
Take input from stdin.
.TP
.BI \-x " regexp
Crosspost to all newsgroups matching
.IR regexp .
.TP
.BI \-n " number
Post this reply
.I number
times.
.TP
.B \-b
Reply in BIFF MODE.
.TP
.B \-d
Delay response until original posting expires.
.TP
.B \-m
Misdirect to a random Author.
.TP
.B \-r
ROT13 quotes from original posting.
.TP
.BI \-g " regexp
Reply to all messages in newsgroups matching
.IR regexp .
.TP
.B \-A
Call the Author Assh*le in 12 languages.
.TP
.B \-B
Bait the Author.
.TP
.B \-C
Accuse the Author of communist leanings.
.TP
.B \-D
Denigrate the Author.
.TP
.B \-E
Picks apart the Author's educational background.
.TP
.B \-F
Accuse the Author of fascist leanings.
.TP
.B \-G
Post using Greek insult module.
.TP
.B \-H
Accuse the Author of homophobic leanings.
.TP
.B \-I
Question the Author's intelligence.
.TP
.B \-J
Accuse the Author of purchasing Japanese imports.
.TP
.B \-K
Accuse the Author of working
for the KGB, MOSSAD, CIA, or MI5 as appropriate.
.TP
.B \-L
Post using Latin insult module.
.TP
.B \-M
Insult the Author's mother.
.TP
.B \-N
Accuse the Author of Neo-Nazi leanings.
.TP
.B \-O
Quote obscure references proving falsehood of the posting.
.TP
.B \-P
Question the Author's parentage.
.TP
.B \-Q
Accuse the Author of deviant sexual practices.
.TP
.B \-R
Accuse the Author of racist leaning.
.TP
.B \-S
Accuse the Author of sexist leanings.
.TP
.B \-T
Accuse the Author of cross dressing.
.TP
.B \-U
State that the Author just doesn't understand anything.
.TP
.B \-V
Pretend sympathy for Author's virgin sensibilities.
.TP
.B \-W
Accuse the Author of voting for George Bush.
.TP
.B \-X
Prepend obscene adjectives wherever syntactically correct.
.TP
.B \-Y
Accuse the Author of PLO membership.
.TP
.B \-Z
Accuse the Author of Zionist leanings.
.SH ENVIRONMENT
The environment variable FLAME_TYPE can be set
to any combination of the above parameters,
and will be used as the default flame type to generate.
.PP
The environment variable OBSCENE points to a file containing
miscellaneous obscene adjectives for the
.B \-X
option above.
.SH MACROS
Macro Support will be added to the next release of
.IR flame .
.SH AUTHOR
Unknown
.SH FILES
.TP
\&.lastflame
This file contains the number of the last article flamed.
Used when
.IR flame ing
an entire newsgroup.
.TP
\&.prefflame
This file contains the user's preferred flames.
.TP
\&.altflame
This file contains alternate phrasing
of some of the more standard flames.
Used to keep the program from flaming itself.
.SH "SEE ALSO
.IR rn (1),
.IR more (1),
.IR newsrc (5),
.IR readnews (1),
.IR Pnews (1),
.IR Rnmail (1)
.SH DIAGNOSTICS
Self Documenting.
.SH BUGS
Occasionally,
.I flame
will turn on the user,
and flame all outgoing postings.
When this happens, the best thing to do reinstall your
news software and
.IR flame .
SHAR_EOF
chmod 0400 flame.1 ||
echo 'restore of flame.1 failed'
Wc_c="`wc -c < 'flame.1'`"
test 3637 -eq "$Wc_c" ||
	echo 'flame.1: original size 3637, current size' "$Wc_c"
fi
# ============= flog.1 ==============
if test -f 'flog.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then
	echo 'x - skipping flog.1 (File already exists)'
else
echo 'x - extracting flog.1 (Text)'
sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'flog.1' &&
.TH FLOG 1
.\" .ad
.SH NAME
flog \(em speed up a process
.SH SYNOPSIS
.B flog
.RB [ \-l " \fIn\fR]
.RB [ \-a " \fIm\fR]
.RB [ \-u ]
process-id
.SH DESCRIPTION
.I Flog
is used to stimulate an improvement in the performance of a process
that is already in execution.
The
.I process-id
is the process number of the process that is to be
disciplined.
.PP
The value
.I n
of the
.B \-l
flag is the flagellation constant,
i.e., the number of
.I lashes
to be administered per minute.
If this argument is omitted, the default is 17,
which is the most random random number.
.PP
The value
.I m
of the
.B \-a
flag is the number of times the
inducement to speed up is to be
.IR administered .
If this argument is omitted, the default is one,
which is based on the possibility that after that
the process will rectify its behavior of its own volition.
.PP
The presence of the
.B \-u
flag indicates that
.I flog
is to be
.I unmerciful
in its actions.
This nullifies the effects of the other keyletter arguments.
It is recommended that
this option be used only on extremely stubborn processes,
as its over-use may have detrimental effects.
.SH FILES
.I Flog
will read the file
.I /have/mercy
for any entry containing the process-id of the
process being speeded-up.
The file can contain whatever
supplications are deemed necessary, but, of course, these will
be ignored if the
.B \-u
flag is supplied.
.SH "SEE ALSO"
On Improving Process Performance
by the Administration of Corrective Stimulation,
.I CACM ,
vol. 4, 1657, pp. 356-654.
.SH DIAGNOSTICS
If a named process does not exist,
.I flog
replies ``flog you'' on the standard output.
If
.I flog
happens to
.IR kill (2)
the process, which usually happens when the
.B \-u
keyletter argument is supplied, it writes ``RIP,'' followed by the
process-id of the deceased, on the standard output.
.SH BUGS
Spurious supplications for mercy by the process being
flogged sometimes wind up on the standard output, rather than in
.IR /shut/up .
SHAR_EOF
chmod 0400 flog.1 ||
echo 'restore of flog.1 failed'
Wc_c="`wc -c < 'flog.1'`"
test 1971 -eq "$Wc_c" ||
	echo 'flog.1: original size 1971, current size' "$Wc_c"
fi
# ============= gong.1 ==============
if test -f 'gong.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then
	echo 'x - skipping gong.1 (File already exists)'
else
echo 'x - extracting gong.1 (Text)'
sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'gong.1' &&
.TH GONG 1
.\" .ad
.SH NAME
gong \- evaluate process performance
.SH SYNOPSIS
.B gong
.RB [ \-f ]
.RB [ \-a ]
process-id
.SH DESCRIPTION
.I Gong
is used to evaluate the performance of a process that is in execution.
.PP
The
.I process-id
is the process number of the process whose performance is to be
evaluated.
The evaluation is performed by a set of three ``panelist'' routines,
each of which analyzes one aspect (time, space, and tonality)
of the performance of the process.
If any of these routines is not amused by the performance,
the process being analyzed is sent the
.IR